Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, recovering from being pregnant...why don't people talk about this?

I get that "intimacy" can be a private matter for some people; I would assume that most people don't share the trials and tribulations of "trying to get pregnant" with their parents and grandparents...that might cause them to think if their precious children as sexual beings and ACTUALLY having sex...ishy.  But why don't people (women mainly) talk about the difficulties, pain and frustrations involved in trying to get pregnant, going through a miscarriage and the emotional and physical difficulties adjusting to new motherhood?  Are we ashamed, embarrassed, experiencing guilt, assuming no one will "get it", feeling isolated and alone?...what is the barrier and risk involved in being vulnerable and honest to your family and close friends? 

I suppose I answered my own question: the risk is that we become vulnerable. Vulnerable to judgement, feeling compelled to console others and their reactions to our own pain/loss/anxieties, and  possibly dealing with the fact that we have to explain and describe those intimate details over and over and over again.  I have SOOO many close friends and family members that have experienced difficulty in one form or another during their journey through pregnancy and delivery.  I have found that unless you are willing to share "your story" first to others, you are less likely to hear theirs and often surprised with what you may hear.  On the one hand, this can help validate and normalize one's experience that they just had.  On the other hand I have wondered why people wait for someone else to "go first", rather than sharing their story to help prepare, guide, validate, encourage or support their friends and family entering this journey.  So here's my attempt at being vulnerable and "going first" and maybe this will inspire some of you to take the risk as well.

Many of you know that I am a pretty open book when it comes to lots of thing.  I share blunt and personal information with those I trust and I also tend to ask very blunt and personal questions of others.  Sometimes, I forget that other people are very private and that this tact can be aggressive and scary.  It is never my intention to be rude, I just love hearing people's stories and get bored talking about the weather, home improvements, tv shows and food.  Anyway, I was suppose to have a baby sometime mid-March 2009, but I had a miscarriage in mid-August 2008 while I was roughly 11 weeks along in a pregnancy.  There was never a heartbeat and the "baby" didn't really grow much past 6 weeks; however, it took my body about 5 additional weeks to know what on earth was going on and that this would not be a viable pregnancy.  I decided to let the process happen naturally and wanted to avoid a D&C procedure because it just sounded so scary.  The "passing" process took about 3-4 weeks and that was annoying as hell.  But...everything was fine, I had no physical pain or complications with this process, but it did take an emotional toll on me.  I felt an extreme amount of guilt and retraced almost every step I took during the 11 weeks thinking it was something I ate, something I drank, something I said, the way I slept, the stress I had, the yoga I did or even the air I breathed.   I thought it was clearly "my fault" because it was my body and my responsibility to make sure everything was perfect.  Although I do not want to wish a miscarriage on anyone else, it brought me a HUGE amount of relief once I started hearing the stories of others who had gone through similar things and having friends who subsequently had miscarriages.  Maybe it wasn't me, maybe it wasn't my fault, maybe the statistics are right that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage and it has nothing to do with the fact that I have red hair or drank that cherry coke.  Getting pregnant the first and second time was very easy for us...we did have that going in our favor.  I would ask myself: would I rather have had a miscarriage or have extreme difficulty getting pregnant?  Does one have to be better or worse than the other or can they BOTH be valid experiences of loss?  I think they can. 

Like I said, I know tons of people that have gone through a miscarriage and I equally know tons of people that have years of difficulty getting pregnant.  Additionally, I know tons of people that have experienced a lot of depression and anxiety as new mothers.  For me, I tend to get wrapped up in having irrational guilt about ONLY having a miscarriage.  I feel bad that it was easy for us to get pregnant and feel bad that I did not experience postpartum depression or anxiety.  I feel guilty about having huge local families that are banging down our doors to babysit.  I feel guilty about leaving Mia for overnights even though I know she is safe and loved.  It makes no sense...why would I want to feel guilty about our blessings and support system?  Logically, it makes no sense but emotionally, there is something in me and I have seen it others that tends to stifle their joy, successes and pride around people who have suffered or have had difficulties.  So where do we go from there?  How can we create a space where we celebrate our successes and joys of mother/parenthood and also honor and support the loss or difficulties we experience too? 

Take risks, be vulnerable, go first and ask specifically for what you need from your family and friends.

Mia 15-16 months

I have been avoiding writing a blog for a while since we had not transferred any photos on to our computer.  Now that we have a few pictures (even though these are a few weeks old), I can get on with my blogs.  

Mia will be turning 16 months on the 24th and I still feel as though she changes with every moment and every blink of my eye.  Here are some fun pics we have taken lately over the "holiday season":

Mia reading her new favorite book about circles, an awesome Xmas gift

Mia with all of her loot on Xmas morning: books, buckets, puzzle, stacking cups,

train set, ball maze thingy and her favorite Snoopy and Woodstock playing the piano

We finally took a long overdue trip to the Children's Museum and we had an absolute blast!  We had wanted to visit the museum for several weeks but things came up, we got snowed in a few times and we even got stranded once because our neighbors garage was on fire and the block was full of fire trucks.  Regardless, we finally made it and Mia loved it.  Here are some shots from the visit:

She LOVED crawling through this cave thing and going down the slide

Note her tongue sticking out as she concentrated....much like her grandfather, Sandy

I made it!

Had a blast playing in the water world section of the museum, she could play there for hours I bet

New Years Day at Ruby's house, sitting at the drawing table

We also took a cold weather trip to the Como Zoo, where Mia fed a fake turtle and ran away from us in the jungle.

Mia has started to test her boundaries and likes to run away from us...

and then turn around to make sure we are following her

I'm such a big girl!

Another month zipped on by and we continue to be the most grateful parents for our wonderfully happy, healthy and hilarious daughter.   Coming next month: first family (and neighbor friends) trip to Mexico, here's to a safe travel experience with minimal drama in the airport and on the flight!!! 

Molly's Mantras Part 2 (and Happy New Year!)

I do not want to make it a habit of having back to back posts without any attached pictures because I know how annoying that can be.  I hope this is the only time I have to do this because we haven't "dumped" any photos lately on our computer and maybe Nate can get on that sometime soon...pretty please?!

Mantra #2:
If it's meant to be, it's up to ME.

I have a very unstable love and hate reaction to this mantra and I am still working on how this fits with my life and my relationships.  I think this can be a good one for those of us who set New Years goals...I am not one of those people. Otherwise, it can be a good one to use for those of us who sometimes want others to change and behave a certain way before we make any shifts...I can be one of those people.  Although it is embarrassing to admit, I can totally be a person who will not "go first" when it comes to being vulnerable or changing a behavior for the betterment of my relationship.  It's too scary, what if I am rejected, I'm not worthy, etc.  I have many reasons for this based on past and present junk but regardless, those excuses and reasons just perpetuate my stagnancy and me being stuck where I don't want to be.  Now this mantra does not imply that you must do everything for everyone else and that the whole weight of the world is on your shoulders alone; instead consider what it could mean for you in your life and relationships and the possibility that we do have a bit of control and say in pretty much everything that happens to us.  Let me be clear....NO, the girl who was raped did not ask for it, the man with cancer did not do it to himself and a mom who had a miscarriage is not at fault.  What I'm considering is that in every situation, every event, every behavior, every thought....there is an opportunity to choose what to do, how to be, what to think, what to say and how to react.  Take divorce for example.  "If it's meant to be, it's up to me"....maybe the "it" isn't that the couple should stay married, maybe the "it" is the revelation that the relationship is unhealthy and conditional where it is no longer serving the couple.  Having it be "up to me" might just allow a person an opportunity to take charge, honor themselves and make a choice on their own.  There are tons of other examples I can think of, but I'm sure you also have a few that are simmering.  Personally, this mantra isn't so much about saving relationships, getting new cars, obtaining a new job or acquiring "things"...for me, it is more about honoring and reminding myself that I have a say as to what happens in my life and I am in charge of making it everything I want it to be. Wow...that sounded a LOT more corny than I had hoped.

Right now, it's up to me to go get a bag of chips and maybe a snickers bar from the vending machine...so there. :)

Molly's Mantras Part 1

I was thinking last night as I went to bed...."I still need a focus or topic for my blog".  I, of course, would love for it to be about Mia and being a "new mom", but I also want it to include other stuff as well.  For those of you who do not already know, I am three month in to a new job as a Outpatient Mental Health Therapist at a clinic in the twin cities.  I am loving this job and am learning a lot about myself, my strengths, my areas for improvement, my interests, etc.  So far, about 90% of my clients are suffering from Depression or Anxiety in some form or another.  A common treatment option for depression and anxiety (through therapy) can be CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  CBT involves many different elements but is primarily focused around identifying, challenging and shifting our automatic thoughts/cognitions that smack us in the face during bouts of hopelessness, self doubt, panic or excessive worry.  It can be about dissecting those thoughts that have proven themselves ineffective and dysfunctional and replacing them with affirmations and acknowledgements as we work to repair our self esteem, confidence and feelings of worthiness.  With that, I have suggested various "mantras" to some of my clients and the feedback has been generally positive.  So I thought....why not pose some of these mantras to my friends and families and see whether or not they apply and/or are helpful in our own lives?  So here we go....Molly's Mantras Part 1.  Disclaimer: I do not always make these up on my own and am not claiming to think of these all by myself, they are simply sayings or words of wisdom I tend to consider, apply and encourage others to explore.

Mantra #1:  No one can make me feel worthless without my consent.
(Think about it, consider it, how does it fit for you, what comes up?)

Personally, this has been a challenge.  It can be so easy to blame others for our experiences in life and emotional reactions...but that doesn't ultimately give me the results I want in life.  Although it feels good in the moment to get angry or blame others...it leads no where in my opinion.  The added challenge is to substitute worthless with any other emotion including sad, angry, frustrated and even happy.  I do not believe that others can MAKE me feel happy or sad...that is my choice, my responsibility and my reaction.  I don't assume responsibility or want to control the emotions of others...so why would I want to hand over my own emotions and feelings at the discretion of others?  Comments, reactions?.....this is a tough one....let it simmer.

Happy Holidays!

"Happy Huurlidays, Welcome to Tuuurget Cuuurcles"....does anyone remember that fantastic SNL clip a few years back?  Makes me laugh every time.  Well, apparently it isn't even winter yet but I am so OVER this snow and cold.  Scratch that.  I'm over the cold, but I do like the snow...when it is cute, puffy and soft. Anywho, before next week comes and I get too busy with the multiple array of events, gatherings and obligations, I wanted to include our family's chosen holiday card this year.  My apologies if you do not receive a "real life" one in the mail; perhaps you can consider this as your card without the pressure of feeling like you have to hang us on your refrigerator. 

This is the front of our card stock, this makes me want to SQUEEEEEZE Miss Mia

This is the back of the card.  I am aware she looks like a boy

but there is nothing I can do to make her hair grow...

I am told I was basically bald until I was over 2 years old

The runner up picture that did not make Nate's cut...

FYI, I would have included this one :)

From our family to yours, we wish you all of the happiness, joy, safety and FUN this holiday season.

Love,

Molly, Nate and Mia 2010

How come kids can do it but we can't?

*Thank you 3pm client for not showing up and not calling and making me sit here and wait for you.  Fine, I'll just write a quickie blog.

There are some days I wish I was a kid again. I used to wish I was a cat because I have a cat and they literally don't have to do shit...ever.  Now that I have a young child, the wishing I was a cat has shifted to wishing I was a kid. Here are some things I wish I could do/have or experience that babies and toddlers can:

• stare at people for a long long time with or without expression
• take multiple naps a day
• wear fleece footed one piece zip-up jammies to bed
• wear fleece footed one piece zip-up jammies all day long
• get food all over my face and have some else wipe it off
• be held and snuggle in the crook between some one's neck and shoulder
• fall asleep in the back seat of the car
• be pushed around in a stroller
• be pulled around in a sled
• point at people for long periods of time
• flirt with anyone I want
• ask why people they act or look the way they do without consequence
• fart and laugh about it in public
• burp and laugh about it in public
• have all of my meals cooked and prepared for me
• have no chores or cleaning duties other than "can you put this in the garbage?"
• have people clap, smile and laugh at pretty much everything I say or do
• deal with minimal expectations from others...other than sitting, crawling, eating and walking
• again, stare and watch people all day long...I love people-watching

Any others you want to add to the list?  Kids have it so easy don't they?...so do cats.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

*To thank you all for reading my longer posts with too much text and too little pictures....this one's for you.  Here's a look at my past weekend, had SUCH a good time.

Ha! I DARE you to take this away from me.

Um....how long do we have to sit here?

Santa: Ha ha ha, I am SOOOO not having three kids

MJ (in front): Ma ma!  I hate these neighbors, please don't make me play here with them

Mia: Dad?  Is that you?

I knew it was my daddy all along.  Now that those other brats left, I Santa all to myself.

Option #1 for their first CD cover

Option #2, CD release party Dec 31st, 2030

Option #3, they are the opening band at the Turf Club next Tuesday

3 girls, one sled, poor MJ

Why did our parents say this would be fun and why are so many people taking our picture?

The view is way better from up here

Mom, seriously....just pick me up...I can't walk in all of this padding

What's that, you want me to look cute?  No problem...you have 30 seconds before I freak out though...

Why are you still taking my picture and laughing at me?  Get this hat off!!!

Victory!

I know you don't think you're going to take this spoon from me...

I know what you're thinking...I see right through you, dad...this food is MINE.

Ah Ha! I win the clean plate club!

What you talkin' 'bout Willis?

Some attempts at a holiday card

Ahh, how cute was that?  We had a blast this weekend and the coolest part about it was that it was 85% spontaneous (the photo shoot with the girls obviously shows them wearing matching long sweater dresses).  In spite of my disdain for cold weather, I have gotten in to the holiday spirit and am looking forward to a relaxing, fun filled month with friends and family.  I wish the same to all of you.