Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, recovering from being pregnant...why don't people talk about this?

I get that "intimacy" can be a private matter for some people; I would assume that most people don't share the trials and tribulations of "trying to get pregnant" with their parents and grandparents...that might cause them to think if their precious children as sexual beings and ACTUALLY having sex...ishy.  But why don't people (women mainly) talk about the difficulties, pain and frustrations involved in trying to get pregnant, going through a miscarriage and the emotional and physical difficulties adjusting to new motherhood?  Are we ashamed, embarrassed, experiencing guilt, assuming no one will "get it", feeling isolated and alone?...what is the barrier and risk involved in being vulnerable and honest to your family and close friends? 

I suppose I answered my own question: the risk is that we become vulnerable. Vulnerable to judgement, feeling compelled to console others and their reactions to our own pain/loss/anxieties, and  possibly dealing with the fact that we have to explain and describe those intimate details over and over and over again.  I have SOOO many close friends and family members that have experienced difficulty in one form or another during their journey through pregnancy and delivery.  I have found that unless you are willing to share "your story" first to others, you are less likely to hear theirs and often surprised with what you may hear.  On the one hand, this can help validate and normalize one's experience that they just had.  On the other hand I have wondered why people wait for someone else to "go first", rather than sharing their story to help prepare, guide, validate, encourage or support their friends and family entering this journey.  So here's my attempt at being vulnerable and "going first" and maybe this will inspire some of you to take the risk as well.

Many of you know that I am a pretty open book when it comes to lots of thing.  I share blunt and personal information with those I trust and I also tend to ask very blunt and personal questions of others.  Sometimes, I forget that other people are very private and that this tact can be aggressive and scary.  It is never my intention to be rude, I just love hearing people's stories and get bored talking about the weather, home improvements, tv shows and food.  Anyway, I was suppose to have a baby sometime mid-March 2009, but I had a miscarriage in mid-August 2008 while I was roughly 11 weeks along in a pregnancy.  There was never a heartbeat and the "baby" didn't really grow much past 6 weeks; however, it took my body about 5 additional weeks to know what on earth was going on and that this would not be a viable pregnancy.  I decided to let the process happen naturally and wanted to avoid a D&C procedure because it just sounded so scary.  The "passing" process took about 3-4 weeks and that was annoying as hell.  But...everything was fine, I had no physical pain or complications with this process, but it did take an emotional toll on me.  I felt an extreme amount of guilt and retraced almost every step I took during the 11 weeks thinking it was something I ate, something I drank, something I said, the way I slept, the stress I had, the yoga I did or even the air I breathed.   I thought it was clearly "my fault" because it was my body and my responsibility to make sure everything was perfect.  Although I do not want to wish a miscarriage on anyone else, it brought me a HUGE amount of relief once I started hearing the stories of others who had gone through similar things and having friends who subsequently had miscarriages.  Maybe it wasn't me, maybe it wasn't my fault, maybe the statistics are right that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage and it has nothing to do with the fact that I have red hair or drank that cherry coke.  Getting pregnant the first and second time was very easy for us...we did have that going in our favor.  I would ask myself: would I rather have had a miscarriage or have extreme difficulty getting pregnant?  Does one have to be better or worse than the other or can they BOTH be valid experiences of loss?  I think they can. 

Like I said, I know tons of people that have gone through a miscarriage and I equally know tons of people that have years of difficulty getting pregnant.  Additionally, I know tons of people that have experienced a lot of depression and anxiety as new mothers.  For me, I tend to get wrapped up in having irrational guilt about ONLY having a miscarriage.  I feel bad that it was easy for us to get pregnant and feel bad that I did not experience postpartum depression or anxiety.  I feel guilty about having huge local families that are banging down our doors to babysit.  I feel guilty about leaving Mia for overnights even though I know she is safe and loved.  It makes no sense...why would I want to feel guilty about our blessings and support system?  Logically, it makes no sense but emotionally, there is something in me and I have seen it others that tends to stifle their joy, successes and pride around people who have suffered or have had difficulties.  So where do we go from there?  How can we create a space where we celebrate our successes and joys of mother/parenthood and also honor and support the loss or difficulties we experience too? 

Take risks, be vulnerable, go first and ask specifically for what you need from your family and friends.

Mia 15-16 months

I have been avoiding writing a blog for a while since we had not transferred any photos on to our computer.  Now that we have a few pictures (even though these are a few weeks old), I can get on with my blogs.  

Mia will be turning 16 months on the 24th and I still feel as though she changes with every moment and every blink of my eye.  Here are some fun pics we have taken lately over the "holiday season":

Mia reading her new favorite book about circles, an awesome Xmas gift

Mia with all of her loot on Xmas morning: books, buckets, puzzle, stacking cups,

train set, ball maze thingy and her favorite Snoopy and Woodstock playing the piano

We finally took a long overdue trip to the Children's Museum and we had an absolute blast!  We had wanted to visit the museum for several weeks but things came up, we got snowed in a few times and we even got stranded once because our neighbors garage was on fire and the block was full of fire trucks.  Regardless, we finally made it and Mia loved it.  Here are some shots from the visit:

She LOVED crawling through this cave thing and going down the slide

Note her tongue sticking out as she concentrated....much like her grandfather, Sandy

I made it!

Had a blast playing in the water world section of the museum, she could play there for hours I bet

New Years Day at Ruby's house, sitting at the drawing table

We also took a cold weather trip to the Como Zoo, where Mia fed a fake turtle and ran away from us in the jungle.

Mia has started to test her boundaries and likes to run away from us...

and then turn around to make sure we are following her

I'm such a big girl!

Another month zipped on by and we continue to be the most grateful parents for our wonderfully happy, healthy and hilarious daughter.   Coming next month: first family (and neighbor friends) trip to Mexico, here's to a safe travel experience with minimal drama in the airport and on the flight!!! 

Molly's Mantras Part 2 (and Happy New Year!)

I do not want to make it a habit of having back to back posts without any attached pictures because I know how annoying that can be.  I hope this is the only time I have to do this because we haven't "dumped" any photos lately on our computer and maybe Nate can get on that sometime soon...pretty please?!

Mantra #2:
If it's meant to be, it's up to ME.

I have a very unstable love and hate reaction to this mantra and I am still working on how this fits with my life and my relationships.  I think this can be a good one for those of us who set New Years goals...I am not one of those people. Otherwise, it can be a good one to use for those of us who sometimes want others to change and behave a certain way before we make any shifts...I can be one of those people.  Although it is embarrassing to admit, I can totally be a person who will not "go first" when it comes to being vulnerable or changing a behavior for the betterment of my relationship.  It's too scary, what if I am rejected, I'm not worthy, etc.  I have many reasons for this based on past and present junk but regardless, those excuses and reasons just perpetuate my stagnancy and me being stuck where I don't want to be.  Now this mantra does not imply that you must do everything for everyone else and that the whole weight of the world is on your shoulders alone; instead consider what it could mean for you in your life and relationships and the possibility that we do have a bit of control and say in pretty much everything that happens to us.  Let me be clear....NO, the girl who was raped did not ask for it, the man with cancer did not do it to himself and a mom who had a miscarriage is not at fault.  What I'm considering is that in every situation, every event, every behavior, every thought....there is an opportunity to choose what to do, how to be, what to think, what to say and how to react.  Take divorce for example.  "If it's meant to be, it's up to me"....maybe the "it" isn't that the couple should stay married, maybe the "it" is the revelation that the relationship is unhealthy and conditional where it is no longer serving the couple.  Having it be "up to me" might just allow a person an opportunity to take charge, honor themselves and make a choice on their own.  There are tons of other examples I can think of, but I'm sure you also have a few that are simmering.  Personally, this mantra isn't so much about saving relationships, getting new cars, obtaining a new job or acquiring "things"...for me, it is more about honoring and reminding myself that I have a say as to what happens in my life and I am in charge of making it everything I want it to be. Wow...that sounded a LOT more corny than I had hoped.

Right now, it's up to me to go get a bag of chips and maybe a snickers bar from the vending machine...so there. :)