Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, recovering from being pregnant...why don't people talk about this?

I get that "intimacy" can be a private matter for some people; I would assume that most people don't share the trials and tribulations of "trying to get pregnant" with their parents and grandparents...that might cause them to think if their precious children as sexual beings and ACTUALLY having sex...ishy.  But why don't people (women mainly) talk about the difficulties, pain and frustrations involved in trying to get pregnant, going through a miscarriage and the emotional and physical difficulties adjusting to new motherhood?  Are we ashamed, embarrassed, experiencing guilt, assuming no one will "get it", feeling isolated and alone?...what is the barrier and risk involved in being vulnerable and honest to your family and close friends? 

I suppose I answered my own question: the risk is that we become vulnerable. Vulnerable to judgement, feeling compelled to console others and their reactions to our own pain/loss/anxieties, and  possibly dealing with the fact that we have to explain and describe those intimate details over and over and over again.  I have SOOO many close friends and family members that have experienced difficulty in one form or another during their journey through pregnancy and delivery.  I have found that unless you are willing to share "your story" first to others, you are less likely to hear theirs and often surprised with what you may hear.  On the one hand, this can help validate and normalize one's experience that they just had.  On the other hand I have wondered why people wait for someone else to "go first", rather than sharing their story to help prepare, guide, validate, encourage or support their friends and family entering this journey.  So here's my attempt at being vulnerable and "going first" and maybe this will inspire some of you to take the risk as well.

Many of you know that I am a pretty open book when it comes to lots of thing.  I share blunt and personal information with those I trust and I also tend to ask very blunt and personal questions of others.  Sometimes, I forget that other people are very private and that this tact can be aggressive and scary.  It is never my intention to be rude, I just love hearing people's stories and get bored talking about the weather, home improvements, tv shows and food.  Anyway, I was suppose to have a baby sometime mid-March 2009, but I had a miscarriage in mid-August 2008 while I was roughly 11 weeks along in a pregnancy.  There was never a heartbeat and the "baby" didn't really grow much past 6 weeks; however, it took my body about 5 additional weeks to know what on earth was going on and that this would not be a viable pregnancy.  I decided to let the process happen naturally and wanted to avoid a D&C procedure because it just sounded so scary.  The "passing" process took about 3-4 weeks and that was annoying as hell.  But...everything was fine, I had no physical pain or complications with this process, but it did take an emotional toll on me.  I felt an extreme amount of guilt and retraced almost every step I took during the 11 weeks thinking it was something I ate, something I drank, something I said, the way I slept, the stress I had, the yoga I did or even the air I breathed.   I thought it was clearly "my fault" because it was my body and my responsibility to make sure everything was perfect.  Although I do not want to wish a miscarriage on anyone else, it brought me a HUGE amount of relief once I started hearing the stories of others who had gone through similar things and having friends who subsequently had miscarriages.  Maybe it wasn't me, maybe it wasn't my fault, maybe the statistics are right that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage and it has nothing to do with the fact that I have red hair or drank that cherry coke.  Getting pregnant the first and second time was very easy for us...we did have that going in our favor.  I would ask myself: would I rather have had a miscarriage or have extreme difficulty getting pregnant?  Does one have to be better or worse than the other or can they BOTH be valid experiences of loss?  I think they can. 

Like I said, I know tons of people that have gone through a miscarriage and I equally know tons of people that have years of difficulty getting pregnant.  Additionally, I know tons of people that have experienced a lot of depression and anxiety as new mothers.  For me, I tend to get wrapped up in having irrational guilt about ONLY having a miscarriage.  I feel bad that it was easy for us to get pregnant and feel bad that I did not experience postpartum depression or anxiety.  I feel guilty about having huge local families that are banging down our doors to babysit.  I feel guilty about leaving Mia for overnights even though I know she is safe and loved.  It makes no sense...why would I want to feel guilty about our blessings and support system?  Logically, it makes no sense but emotionally, there is something in me and I have seen it others that tends to stifle their joy, successes and pride around people who have suffered or have had difficulties.  So where do we go from there?  How can we create a space where we celebrate our successes and joys of mother/parenthood and also honor and support the loss or difficulties we experience too? 

Take risks, be vulnerable, go first and ask specifically for what you need from your family and friends.