Jack: 2 Months

Boy oh boy, what a month! I dont even know where to being other than saying each day is so different for us.  There have been extreme highs and lowest of lows (not really, but in the low moments it feels like hell).  I am glad I am starting to write this post on a somewhat good day or my opinions and attitudes of things would absolutely come across as bitchy, complaining and generally appear like I HATE motherhood, which is not the case...at least not every day.  Let's start with that, shall we?  I call it balance...

Balance:  No offense, but I roll my eyes or think "liar liar pants on fire" every time I read a blog or hear a comment about how being a mother is an absolute joy EVERY SINGLE DAY...that's a bunch of BS and you know it.  I get baffled when moms say things like "it still breaks my heart every day when I have to leave my kids and go to work...and my kids are already 3 and 5."  Ummmm, seriously?  Breaks your heart?  That's a strong statement.  Or the classic "enjoy every moment because it won't last long"...ummm, I sure as shit hope they don't!  For me, it's all about balance.  I certainly feel sad sometimes when I don't get to see my kids as much as I want or when I think about leaving my son in the care of other people that might not know him "well enough", but I also look forward to being an adult again and going to an adult job with adult people and talking about adult things.  This may seem cold but my kids are welcomed visitors in my life...they are wanted and welcomed and free to participate in our lives however they want...but I had a life before them, I had a marriage before them and I intend on making those two "lives" just as much a priority as being a mother.  It's all about finding the balance...I'm still working on it.

Nate and I are introducing a committment to go out on at least one date night a month. I know it seems lame and not a lot of time together but you'd be surprised at how easily it is to choose sleep over conversation and staying connected with your spouse when you have two kids.  One thing I already do for BALANCE is go out to dinner once a month with my close girlfriends...this is one of the best things I look forward to each month as it is essentially free therapy....talk therapy as well as "medication"

My medication for that night

Okay, back to Jack.  He's two months old already!!!  He is so cute I can hardly stand it.  Although I do not really enjoy being woken up through the night, I love the moments after nursing when I get to hold and rock him an extra few minutes as I stare at his cute little face.  When he's awake, Jack is generally a pretty good baby.  He is becoming more and more alert, focused and calm during the awake hours and has gotten great at eye contact and smiling...melts my heart every time.  He really enjoys being on his tummy; but doesn't do a lot of "work" to strengthen his head/neck muscles.  I'm not really worried because he seems to have pretty good head control and overall, he seems to be developing just fine for being two months old.  Here are some pics in  between stories and comments to hopefully keep you interested.  Again, sorry for the amateur pictures from my phone...we've been busy.

My little teddy bear after a stroll through our neighborhood

Exhibit A:  loves to sleep chest to chest...also after another walk through the hood 

Exhibit B...sleeping chest to chest with daddy

Exhibit C

As long as we are on the topic, let me share with you my thoughts and experiences about our sleep lately:

Sleep:  Jack's sleep schedule has been VERY unpredictable this month...typical for an infant but NOT what we have been used to and blessed with from Mia.  There have been a handful of nights where Jack has allowed me over 5 hours of straight sleep, but overall, he wakes up an average of every 2-3 hours over night to nurse.  He's pretty awesome about going right back to sleep during those night time feedings which is cool, but I often find myself thinking "seriously...up again?!" when he cluster eats some nights every 2 hours.  In general, Jack's "schedule" is every three hours...eat, play/awake and sleep during the day; at night, it is eat/sleep/eat/sleep.  This mamma is NOT a happy camper when my sleep is interrupted.  I don't care how often he wakes up or how often he eats at all during the day...but when I have "plans" to sleep and he effs with that...no bueno.  I turn in to a zombie raging bitch for about 10 minutes and then am surprised at how quickly I relax and chill by the end of the nursing session.  It's like "as long as im up and awake, I may as well enjoy this time with him"...then I'm not as mad.  I remember back to the one birth class we took when I was preggers with Mia and the instructor told us to tell our partners what the one thing is we absolutely NEED each day no matter what.  Nate's was a shower (although he does not necessarily take one every day) and mine was sleep.  I need sleep to function well and I look forward to the days where I consistently get at least a 6 hour stretch.  Each kid is different and I have to accept that but for now...Mia:1, Jack:0

Related to sleep....holy COW have I been having constant experiences of "phantom baby cries"!!!  I would not diagnose myself as having hallucinations (just yet); however, almost every night I hear phantom Jack or Mia making noise only to find them sound asleep not moving or making one single peep.  I know this experience is shared by many many women/mammas and I also know it can go on for a long long time, even when the children are older; but it just amazes me how much more I think I hear Jack crying or stirring in his crib than I ever did with Mia. Huh.

Here is our "phantom" family of four photo :)

Mommy Meltdown:  In the past month, I have noticed a bit more of anxiety and depression...which typically comes during these first few months after child birth and life adjustments.  However, in the past ~60 days, I have only had about 3-4 meltdowns and I consider that pretty mild compared to the clinical depression or struggles many new moms have.  In fact, as I am writing the majority of this blog, I am enjoying one of the most fantastic relaxing days I have had in a while...really reminds me to put things in to perspective.  BUT...when you're in it, you are IN it and I was in a funk one day last week.  This past Wednesday was a long tough day coming off of a night getting very little sleep.  By the time Nate had gotten home, I was pooped.  I felt like everyone needed something from me and I was expected to give it...even if it was something as small as emailing some one back.  Mia was melting down because she was sick, she refused to eat, she refused to take medicine, she refused basically anything we suggested.  After she went to bed, I broke down and let it all out...I said silly things like "I hate Mia, I hate you, I hate this life, I can't do this anymore, I want everyone to leave me alone and stop needing me..."  Nate just sat quietly and listened and essentially encouraged me to get out of the house and go do something alone for an hour or two.  "Im fat, I can't ever drop this extra weight, I dont even want to go to yoga because I'll be the fat out of shape girl"...I was just going on and on and being pretty dramatic.  I ended up going out to get a chocolate malt and a mani/pedi and returned home about 2 hours later feeling refreshed and calm. The next day, I felt like a million bucks and that I could conquer the world.....it's all about perspective.

I share this because I want to validate the PERCEIVED shit that you all have.  In that moment of meltdown and crap, you don't want a cheerleader, you don't want someone to remind you of all your blessings, you want someone to validate your experience and allow you to have a moment to complain, bitch and sit in your shit....then we're done and we snap out of it and move on.  Once I feel validated or heard, it is so much easier to move on...THEN you can go ahead and be a cheerleader.  I have found that everything is temporary and I am really noticing that I need to work harder on putting things in to perspective, appreciating what I have and allowing myself to lower my expectations in order to keep sane, calm and functional.  It's like, come on Molly, cut yourself some slack...you just had another kid and have a toddler, your husband just quit his job and got a new one, we have a wonderful house, we have supportive families and friends, we have our health and much more.... 

Here are some pics to help me keep things in perspective:

In the second month, MUCH more eye contact is happening...thank God, I was worried there for a sec :)

Superdad in St. Paul on St. Pattys Day....it was nuts down there!

Jack with his cousin, Ellie who is 3 months older than him

My kids passed out after a long day of fun with family and friends

Jack smiling at his sister, awwww.  This is during a morning mall walking with dad so I could sleep in a bit after a wakeful night....thanks Nate!

Although it can be tough for Mia to share her toys with her friends,
she does wonderfully with her baby brother! :)

Mia didn't want Jack to be alone while he slept, so she kept him company by pretending to sleep near him

Weekend dinner gathering with friends...wow our lives have changed so much over the past few years.  3 years ago, this pic would have been full of beer bottles, wine glasses, silly poses with our tongues out followed by cab rides to go bar hoping.  This year, we all were heading home by 7:15pm to put our kids to bed in hopes to making it to bed ourselves by 9:00pm  :)